In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is my review of the latest Batman flick starring blah blah blah and that one guy from that thing. Although the film released last weekend, Its taken me this long to figure out a way to review it without spoiling anything. The best way I know how, is to

A) Compare it to other Batman film projects, and

B) Use the dating history of your average woman as an analogy.

Keep in mind that while I’m using the actors’ names here, the character they represent is the entirety of the films that they were in.

BATMAN (Adam West)

Say you’re a young girl, oh, about junior high age. Things are happening, and you’re starting to get interested in boys. There’s this boy you got a bit of a shine to, named Adam. You’re both young, and he hasn’t really matured as fast as you have. So he’s a bit goofy. Still, this is shiny and new to both of you, so you do what you think you’re supposed to do. It definitely isn’t what you expected. Things don’t go as well as you’d hoped, so you end up drifting away from each other romantically. Throughout your life, though, you still keep in touch and are on good terms, never really mentioning the past, but occasionally giggle together when something reminds the both of you of what happened.

BATMAN and BATMAN RETURNS (Michael Keaton)

Ah, high school. You’ve somehow managed to avoid the trappings of it by being neither super-popular, or shunned. You’re a nice girl, with a few close friends who are willing to tell you what’s up. So you’re a bit surprised when you take interest in this gothy, emo boy named Michael, and all your friends are like, “I don’t know, I heard he was kind of a class clown before. Are you sure? I mean, I don’t think he’s boyfriend material”. But you take a chance on him anyway. And you find this brooding poet who is in a band, and takes you to the strangest places and night, but you seem to feel safe whenever he’s around, and he writes you songs, and… and then he moves. The breakup was completely out of both of your controls, so there aren’t any hard feelings toward each other. Years later, though, you hear his new band has finally made it big, but when you listen to it, it suuuuuuuucks.

BATMAN FOREVER (Val Kilmer)

College freshman year. You meet a guy named Val who kind of mostly reminds you of Michael (except he’s great at beach volleyball.) This one doesn’t last very long, since you figure out that he’s really kind of a douche and is only pretending to be deep. Although newly acquired and thoroughly untrained, your college level bullshit detector seems to be working fine. You write him off fairly easily.

BATMAN & ROBIN (George Clooney)

So you just turned 21. Hooray for you. You’re out celebrating with your friends, looking cute as fuck in your Betsy Johnson dress and pixie haircut. And you meet a guy named George. Sure, he’s a bit older, but for some reason, you’re smitten. He says all the right things, is very charming, and when you look to your friends for approval, most of them are all “GUUUURRRRLLLL!” Except for one. She’s the one that says “I think he’s gay.” Still, you spend some time with him, hopeful that you’ll seal the deal soon. But that day never comes. Turns out, he just liked your style and is looking for ideas for when he’s doing drag. You slap yourself for not seeing all the warning signs: His tight t-shirt with the nipples, his younger, similarly dressed “friend”, the fact that you celebrated your birthday at a gay bar, etc. For some reason, out of all the heartbreaks you’ve had, this one hurt the most. You joke that maybe you should be waiting for a Wonder Woman movie instead, but you kind of mean it.

BATMAN BEGINS (Christian Bale)

You’re a young adult. A far cry from the awkward little girl you once were. Confident, with a little more experience under your belt. You’ve had your flings here and there, the occasional booty call with some Aussie named Hugh, and now you know what you want in a relationship. So its surprising when you meet Christian, and he’s fulfilled almost every single requirement on your outrageously long checklist. He’s smart, he can be funny, he’s athletic, profound at times…

THE DARK KNIGHT

…and the sex is MINDBLOWING.

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

So things with Christian have been going great for a few years now. Your parents have seen him, and you’re a bit surprised when you find out how much your dad really likes him. Now there’s these rumors going around (probably by your friends who have no real facts) that he’ll propose to you. You start to believe that a bit, because he’s been acting like he’s planning something special. So you’re excited, all your friends are excited, but there’s that one friend that knows someone who said something…yet your friend won’t tell you, otherwise they’d look like an asshole trying to ruin your good times. So anyway, Christian decides to surprise you. With a one month trip to Northern Africa.

In one moment, your head is swimming with so much emotion. Disappointment, confusion, anger, doubt, and yet you decide to ride it out. Who knows, it might be fun. After all, you’re a simple girl from the middle class suburbs. It would be good to go adventuring someplace new. Maybe he’ll propose to you then.

So you go on this trip. There’s a lot of new things to experience, but since you’ve been so good at social studies, none of this interests you anymore. A week in, and you’re already bored. The days drag by at a needlessly long pace. Yet, you feign interest with a smile that hides your true thoughts: God, just give me that fucking ring already!

While “sightseeing”, you use your detective like skills to figure out what this trip really is about. Why you’ve been primarily in the cities, and not out doing touristy crap. He tells you that his company is relocating him there for an undetermined amount of time. He’d be cool with it either way if you stayed with him or left, which is kind of unsettling to you. There is no ring.

Despite all the good times I’ve had watching Chris Nolan’s first two Batman films, this one left me a little disappointed. The plot twists were fairly easy to figure out, and were resolved way to quickly. Yes, it did feel long and drawn out at times. Most of the time. Would I watch this again? Probably not. Should you watch it? Yes. This is my opinion of a thoroughly divided film, and you should form one for yourself.

By the way, that one friend who warned you about George and had that conflict about whether or not to tell you about Christian? You friendzoned that guy a long time ago. Back when you were still seeing Michael. Which is too bad, because he’s been the most reliable relationship with a guy you’ve ever had. His name is Kevin (Conroy), and he’s got your back.